so my agent was all “Sarge, baby, you gots to play the game!” and I says “Not at the expense of being true to myself!” and he says “Listen, kitten, the money-honey don’t spank its own ass, you know what I’m sayin’?” and I says “no amount of money spanks can make me sell my soul! I’m not writing ‘Top 7 Hot Women Who We’re So Glad Will Be Turning 18 This Year Because Now We Can Be Open About How Bad We Want to Fuck Them.’ That’s just… that’s a weird premise! It makes my stomach churn just thinking about the kind of person who would enjoy it!” And he says “Babydoll, if you don’t play by my rules you’ll be drinking cheap whiskey out of mason jars for the rest of your natural born life.”
and then I woke up on my bed wearing nothing but boxer shorts with a single salt & vinegar potato chip floating on my tuft of chest hair.
this is not the way a president should be.
I generally don’t do my laundry until I am entirely out of underwear. It’s the only time I remember to do laundry, because it’s the only thing that reminds me it’s time. If I had more underwear than socks, my reminder would be when I ran out of socks. I refuse to go through a day wearing underwear or socks that aren’t clean.
If I were president, this probably wouldn’t be too big a deal most of the time because I bet there are people who do my laundry for me. But what if there were a crisis that consumed all my time and made it impossible for me to do my job normally? Like if Russia invaded or aliens landed or I had to run for re-election? I’d probably have to go without clean underwear and there’s just no way I’d be at my best.
I can’t stand it when people respond to arguments I haven’t actually made. It’s seriously even a bigger pet peeve than when people chew with their mouth open or don’t support unions.
If I were president, this would be calamitous. I would say something like “I believe women have sovereignty over their own bodies, because, like, obviously guys this should be a no brainer.”*
And then my opponent would be like “If elected, Senator Sargent** would force every woman to have abortions all day!”
and instead of saying “haha wassup bro that’s not what I said and I don’t even think it makes sense” I’d just straight up give the people’s elbow to that little twerp right there on national television. Then “The Final Countdown” would start playing and I’d moonwalk off the stage while a banner with my campaign slogan dropped down behind me.
“Welcome to the Jungle, Bitch.” — My Campaign Slogan.
*I would have hella dope speech writers.
**I’m a Senator in this fantasy. Probably a pretty terrible one.
I have a whole bunch of things I need to do, but I also really wanna play Diablo 3. And watch the new Valve video about Pyro.
Guess which one’s happening.
I’ve been a teacher for less than a year, and I’m already sick of this conversation.
“So what do you do?”
“I’m a teacher.”
“Really? Let me briefly articulate every problem with the American education system and what you need to do to fix it.”
“Wow, thanks. You’re saying I should make it fun for my students? Like, by trying to engage them with the content? Wow! It’s amazing no one has ever thought of that before. Thanks! Since you’re such a wealth of information, why don’t you tell me what to do when a student keeps coming to class sobbing about her abusive parents, but when I call the police they say their hands are tied, and because WA State doesn’t recognize emotional abuse as child abuse, they’re right? What do I do about the kid whose mother takes him out of my remedial reading class because he ‘doesn’t need it’ and then he fails every class he’s in because he can’t read? If only I had a snappy one liner! If only I were more like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society!”
When you’re president, I’m pretty sure these conversations happen a lot more frequently. I’m also pretty sure you’re not allowed to harbor crippling emotional disorders.
“Are you serious? What do you think the presidential powers are?”
-My response to accusations about gas prices being too high.
“Can we stop pretending that this is about anything other than jealousy? Seriously, I’m sick to death of this “family values” shit. If you cared about family values, you’d have way more support for CPS, public schools, and health benefits. You’re just a bunch of guys who wanna fuck guys but are too embarrassed to admit it and insanely jealous that there are people out there who aren’t!
It doesn’t matter what other people wanna do! It doesn’t affect you - just let them fuck each other! Wait, where are you going? Why do you look so mad? I don’t know what that means. How’s my approval rating? Stop shaking your head.”
—An Excerpt From My Potential State of the Union Address
I’m really bad at flirting with people on OKCupid.
I got a message from a cute girl asking to buy me a drink. I immediately messaged back “okay how’s Thursday? Let me know soon so I can pencil you in.”
In retrospect, I probably should have tried e-flirting or something. I’m not totally sure what this has to do with being president, but I think it bodes pretty poorly for my people skills.
I have to admit something: I have a truly unreasonable dislike of professional sports.
This hatred encompasses pretty much everything about them. I really detest the attention they get in popular culture, the pedestal we put them on, and I especially detest the fact that knowing a lot about Joe The Athlete gets you “cool” points, while knowing theories behind the rise of Romantic Literature, and the cultural shift towards Modernism at the beginning of the 20th Century, doesn’t.
These feelings come from jealousy. I resent that things I cared about in high school were considered lame while the things most of my peers cared about were considered cool, even though neither has an objectively higher cultural value. I hate how, in college, the athletes got three gyms while the artists couldn’t even get enough support to build one Performing Arts Center, and had to hold our weekly open-mic nights in the Cafeteria with a shitty PA that got interrupted every time someone’s order was up.
I hate how the only sport I was ever any good at or at all passionate about (sailing) isn’t seen as a real sport by the general American population. (Anyone who tells me sailing is a wussy sport compared to football is a pansy-ass motherfucker who has never dug a 420 out of the snow to go sailing in January.)
As a result of this, I hate people who care about sports. I find them boring and irritating. This isn’t fair of me. I have an unreasonable chip on my shoulder, and I take it out on people, and it’s not nice.
Still, we pay our professional athletes way too much. In my mind, this is all the evidence we need to show that supply & demand is stupid. Whenever anyone asks me to prove capitalism doesn’t work, I say “baseball,” and win the fucking conversation.
and I only celebrate Christmas because it’s a good excuse to see my family.
If I were president, think of the repercussions. Think of the honest to God impact this would have on my ability to ensure laws are carried out, to enforce the responsibilities of the day-to-day function of Congress, and to understand international affairs and geopolitical repercussions of my actions. Think about what that would mean for my ability to feel compassion for my fellow man, and my ability to rationalize my moral choices.
Think about it.