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Sarge Interviewin’ Fools: JIM AVERY Edition

Today I interviewed comedy writer extraordinaire Jim Avery. He’s a lifer over at Cracked who wears lots of hats, and  there’s roughly an 85% chance that he’s been involved in the creation of any given article. 

But more importantly, he is the man who named the Sharknado sequel (it’s going to be called Sharknado 2: The Second One). We sat down for a little bit to discuss his genius and my chances of dating Taylor Swift.


I found this picture on Google Image and I’m reasonably sure it’s him.

Doc Sarge: So Obviously You’re Super Famous Now. Why? What Just Happened?
Jim Avery: In this case, I was trying to become merely Kinda Famous by submitting potential names for the Sharknado sequel, in the hopes that they might show up on television during a normal, non-subtitled movie showing. I didn’t have any notion that one of them would actually be chosen as the winner, let alone the submission that actually won. Everyone at Syfy gets an A+ for greatness. Their desire to troll the rest of the nation is even stronger than mine, which is a gargantuan feat. As for me, I need to start keeping a record of my thoughts, since apparently network executives find them to be brilliant. In a few years you should look for an Odd Couple-style sitcom starring Batman and Spider-Man.
DS: Holy shit, right? Like oh my God!
JA: Jesus, I know, man. I had the Onion AV Club weighing in on the issue. Even goddamned Time magazine commented on it on their Twitter. Most people I know can only dream of disappointing Time. That’s going on my resume.
DS: How has this changed your life? Do people look at you differently? How many Sex Threats have you received on Twitter so far?

JA: I haven’t told many people about it, but I find I don’t need to. People notice something about me as I walk down the street, and they quickly figure out what it is about me that makes me so different. I’m pretty sure people on Twitter are throwing themselves at me left and right, but they’re mistyping my username. Right now I’m on vacation, so god alone knows what’s waiting for me when I get home. I assume I’ll need either a guard dog or a shovel.

(The real answer is that, while I am proud of it and hope it comes up in conversation, my mom is telling the news to everybody she knows or otherwise comes across.)

DS: What’s Taylor Swift like in real life? Is she has down-home and nurturing as she appears in her music videos, or does she have like this total dominatrix type deal going?
JA: I wish I could say she’s country on the streets and rock in the sheets, but the truth is you can only see her about five minutes out of every day. Not even she knows what she’s doing much of the time. Every few days she’ll find herself out to dinner with someone, or at her desk e-mailing a new song to her manager, and then she vanishes again into the ether like Nightcrawler. Nevertheless, I’m awaiting her newest single, “A Whirlwind of Love, Hate and Sharks”.
DS: I hear that in addition to revolutionizing tele-movies, you also invented nerds & soft serve or, as it’s more commonly know, “The Jim Avery.”  How do you keep doing it? And how are you going to manage to keep doing it so that we don’t completely forget about you?
JA: The combination of Rainbow Nerds and vanilla soft-serve came to me in the same way many of my best ideas do: it was stolen from somewhere else. In particular, an ice cream place in my hometown known as Tastee-Freez served such a dessert in my youth, before it was converted into a parking lot for entirely unrelated and non-suspicious reasons. To keep myself from fading into obscurity like that one guy, some sacrifices are necessary.
DS: Back to T Swizzle: Do you think she’d go out with me? Can you find out? I’m doing some reconnaissance here.
JA: If you’re looking for a concrete answer as to whether or not she’d date you, you could use a trail of miracle fruit to capture a rare mockatoo bird, tie a note with the question around its leg, then release the bird in Glacier National Park while whispering her name. I doubt that would work, though, since birds have no idea who Taylor Swift is. Instead, shoot her an e-mail offering to buy her Chinese, making sure to mention your car make and model.
DS: After you disappoint us and fade into obscurity and we read about your tragic death when it’s mentioned in passing in a Newsweek article about someone else, how will you have died, and who will be the only six people who care?

JA: The most likely cause of death will probably be radiation exposure in an attempt to get superpowers, or maybe heart failure in an attempt to eat all of the world’s cheeseburgers. Either way, my epitaph will mention saving a major city from King Ghidorah. The six people who care will all be staff at HGTV who notice a sudden drop in viewership.
DS: Show off your sequel namin’ skills: give me the sequel names to five movies who never got sequels, but would if you were in charge of sequel names, which you are.
Pulp Fiction 2: Extra Pulp
Ferris Bueller’s Additional Day Off: Tomorrow You’re Definitely Going to School Young Man
Ei8ht: the Deadliest Sin of All
The Big Lebowski 2: the 2ude Abides… 2
Titanic 2: Iceberg Spiders Unleashed