Today I interviewed comedy writer extraordinaire Jim Avery. He’s a lifer over at Cracked who wears lots of hats, and there’s roughly an 85% chance that he’s been involved in the creation of any given article.
But more importantly, he is the man who named the Sharknado sequel (it’s going to be called Sharknado 2: The Second One). We sat down for a little bit to discuss his genius and my chances of dating Taylor Swift.
I found this picture on Google Image and I’m reasonably sure it’s him.
Jim Avery: In this case, I was trying to become merely Kinda Famous by submitting potential names for the Sharknado sequel, in the hopes that they might show up on television during a normal, non-subtitled movie showing. I didn’t have any notion that one of them would actually be chosen as the winner, let alone the submission that actually won. Everyone at Syfy gets an A+ for greatness. Their desire to troll the rest of the nation is even stronger than mine, which is a gargantuan feat. As for me, I need to start keeping a record of my thoughts, since apparently network executives find them to be brilliant. In a few years you should look for an Odd Couple-style sitcom starring Batman and Spider-Man.
JA: Jesus, I know, man. I had the Onion AV Club weighing in on the issue. Even goddamned Time magazine commented on it on their Twitter. Most people I know can only dream of disappointing Time. That’s going on my resume.
JA: I haven’t told many people about it, but I find I don’t need to. People notice something about me as I walk down the street, and they quickly figure out what it is about me that makes me so different. I’m pretty sure people on Twitter are throwing themselves at me left and right, but they’re mistyping my username. Right now I’m on vacation, so god alone knows what’s waiting for me when I get home. I assume I’ll need either a guard dog or a shovel.
(The real answer is that, while I am proud of it and hope it comes up in conversation, my mom is telling the news to everybody she knows or otherwise comes across.)
JA: I wish I could say she’s country on the streets and rock in the sheets, but the truth is you can only see her about five minutes out of every day. Not even she knows what she’s doing much of the time. Every few days she’ll find herself out to dinner with someone, or at her desk e-mailing a new song to her manager, and then she vanishes again into the ether like Nightcrawler. Nevertheless, I’m awaiting her newest single, “A Whirlwind of Love, Hate and Sharks”.
JA: The combination of Rainbow Nerds and vanilla soft-serve came to me in the same way many of my best ideas do: it was stolen from somewhere else. In particular, an ice cream place in my hometown known as Tastee-Freez served such a dessert in my youth, before it was converted into a parking lot for entirely unrelated and non-suspicious reasons. To keep myself from fading into obscurity like that one guy, some sacrifices are necessary.
JA: If you’re looking for a concrete answer as to whether or not she’d date you, you could use a trail of miracle fruit to capture a rare mockatoo bird, tie a note with the question around its leg, then release the bird in Glacier National Park while whispering her name. I doubt that would work, though, since birds have no idea who Taylor Swift is. Instead, shoot her an e-mail offering to buy her Chinese, making sure to mention your car make and model.
JA: The most likely cause of death will probably be radiation exposure in an attempt to get superpowers, or maybe heart failure in an attempt to eat all of the world’s cheeseburgers. Either way, my epitaph will mention saving a major city from King Ghidorah. The six people who care will all be staff at HGTV who notice a sudden drop in viewership.
JA:Pulp Fiction 2: Extra PulpFerris Bueller’s Additional Day Off: Tomorrow You’re Definitely Going to School Young ManEi8ht: the Deadliest Sin of AllThe Big Lebowski 2: the 2ude Abides… 2Titanic 2: Iceberg Spiders Unleashed