Guys Pre-Order this book I’m gonna be featured in.
4 Things That Are Different About Me Now That My Writing is Going To Be Featured in a Book

I am more likely to ask you what’s new. I will not listen to you when you tell me, I’ll just wait for you to reciprocate the question so I can mention my book.
I’m running low on celebration whiskey which scientifically speaking is the best problem to have.
I now have a “Books I Have Been Featured In” shelf on my bookcase, but it’s empty because The De-Textbook hasn’t actually come out yet. So this actually made my living room a bit more depressing until November or so.
My cat has a newfound respect for me. Probably.
 
Buy the book I’m in! It’ll make your life better, I promise.

Guys Pre-Order this book I’m gonna be featured in.

4 Things That Are Different About Me Now That My Writing is Going To Be Featured in a Book

  1. I am more likely to ask you what’s new. I will not listen to you when you tell me, I’ll just wait for you to reciprocate the question so I can mention my book.
  2. I’m running low on celebration whiskey which scientifically speaking is the best problem to have.
  3. I now have a “Books I Have Been Featured In” shelf on my bookcase, but it’s empty because The De-Textbook hasn’t actually come out yet. So this actually made my living room a bit more depressing until November or so.
  4. My cat has a newfound respect for me. Probably.

 

Buy the book I’m in! It’ll make your life better, I promise.

Sarge Interviewin’ Fools: JIM AVERY Edition

Today I interviewed comedy writer extraordinaire Jim Avery. He’s a lifer over at Cracked who wears lots of hats, and  there’s roughly an 85% chance that he’s been involved in the creation of any given article. 

But more importantly, he is the man who named the Sharknado sequel (it’s going to be called Sharknado 2: The Second One). We sat down for a little bit to discuss his genius and my chances of dating Taylor Swift.

image

I found this picture on Google Image and I’m reasonably sure it’s him.

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tracy-v:

—On August 10th, an article by my fellow Cracked contributor XJ Selman was published. The title was “5 Tourists Who Managed to Be the Worst People in the World,” and it included:

5. Teenager Scratches His Name into Ancient Egyptian Temple

4. Tourist Finds Extremely Rare Six-Legged Octopus, Eats…

Every time someone plagiarized, they’re stealing from me. They’re devaluing my work and the work of my colleagues. Fuck ‘em in the ear.

4 Hilariously Dystopian Ways Science is Reinventing Food

#2. Entire Meals in Ball Form
Futurists who assume that the next generation will consume all their meals in pill form obviously underestimate humanity’s fascination with genitals. Take WikiPearls, an experimental ice cream for everyone who ever complained that their dessert didn’t look enough like a single orphaned testicle.

4 Hilariously Dystopian Ways Science is Reinventing Food

#2. Entire Meals in Ball Form

Futurists who assume that the next generation will consume all their meals in pill form obviously underestimate humanity’s fascination with genitals. Take WikiPearls, an experimental ice cream for everyone who ever complained that their dessert didn’t look enough like a single orphaned testicle.

The 3 Most Excruciating Music Videos of the Summer

Please note that Feldman is wearing gloves that only cover half of his hands. Not fingerless gloves — gloves that are literally so tiny, he cannot pull them down past his knuckles. He is soon joined by his backup dancers, but Feldman boldly ignores any semblance of choreography and just does his own shuffle-footed lunatic jig, occasionally grabbing his hat for no reason. Then he almost falls down.

I wrote this!

The 3 Most Excruciating Music Videos of the Summer

Please note that Feldman is wearing gloves that only cover half of his hands. Not fingerless gloves — gloves that are literally so tiny, he cannot pull them down past his knuckles. He is soon joined by his backup dancers, but Feldman boldly ignores any semblance of choreography and just does his own shuffle-footed lunatic jig, occasionally grabbing his hat for no reason. Then he almost falls down.

I wrote this!

How Pacific Rim got Kaiju Wrong

The point is that Godzilla (and other kaiju) have never just been mere monsters — they’re metaphors for America’s reckless use of nuclear power. This metaphor continued throughout the dozens of sequels that followed — but sadly, it’s a metaphor that Pacific Rim doesn’t just miss, but seems to be refuting or even insulting.

How Pacific Rim got Kaiju Wrong

The point is that Godzilla (and other kaiju) have never just been mere monsters — they’re metaphors for America’s reckless use of nuclear power. This metaphor continued throughout the dozens of sequels that followed — but sadly, it’s a metaphor that Pacific Rim doesn’t just miss, but seems to be refuting or even insulting.

cracked:

SPOILER: that nameless bulletproof stranger MIGHT MEAN SOMETHING.
6 Brilliant Clues Hidden in the Background of Video Games

#5. Red Dead Redemption — A Biblical Figure Spoils the Hero’s Fate Mid-Game
Throughout the game, Marston completes missions for random townspeople … One such mission involves a mysterious man in a mysterious suit who seemingly knows everything about Marston and his outlaw past. It’s heavily hinted that the man is God or some other supernatural being. He certainly isn’t of this world — when you shoot him in a fit of rage, he completely ignores it, like his mind was on more important matters.

Read More

I wrote this so hard, you guys. With Adam Wears. I hear he’s British.

cracked:

SPOILER: that nameless bulletproof stranger MIGHT MEAN SOMETHING.

6 Brilliant Clues Hidden in the Background of Video Games

#5. Red Dead Redemption — A Biblical Figure Spoils the Hero’s Fate Mid-Game

Throughout the game, Marston completes missions for random townspeople … One such mission involves a mysterious man in a mysterious suit who seemingly knows everything about Marston and his outlaw past. It’s heavily hinted that the man is God or some other supernatural being. He certainly isn’t of this world — when you shoot him in a fit of rage, he completely ignores it, like his mind was on more important matters.

Read More

I wrote this so hard, you guys. With Adam Wears. I hear he’s British.

Reading this article will turbocharge your electrolytes and persecute your free radicals for all day energy that lasts and lasts with no crash later and full coverage in your area.

I promised I would promote the shit out of anyone who posted a video of themselves reading the Doctor Who audition script

So that’s what I’m doing. That’s Cracked’s own Amanda Mannen showing us what a redhead American female Doctor from Portland would be like.

Who else wants to play?

Images from work I’m not allowed to use. Prompt was “genetically modified babies.”