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Insane Pop Culture Theories - Beauty and the Bastard

Wanna know how How I Met Your Mother is gonna end, and why it’s better than Doctor Who? Or hear comedy writers speculate on the reproductive habits of anthropomorphic teacups from Beauty and the Beast? Or something about Forrest Gump, I dunno, I tend to space out whenever Raddy speaks? Then listen to this podcast, you deranged fucking lunatic!

I'm a senior at my university, and I was wondering if you guys were still letting people write articles for you. While I would like to be a writer by trade, I'm somewhat uncertain in my abilities (hence my major in Human Resource Management). I haven't visited the workshop yet, but I was wondering if you could offer any tips/encouragement. By the way, love the blog, love the website, love the writers. I don't know what I'd do without my daily Cracked fix.

cracked:

lilytakeson:

cracked:

Hey friend! Yes we are still letting people write articles for us, in fact we’re really really hoping you will. If there’s an article on our site and it’s not by one of our columnists, it most likely came from someone like you who followed those steps.

Pitch us. Be prolific. Help us give you money.

I’m gonna do this.

image

You’ll like it in the workshop. It’s gotten a lot friendlier since we told Robert Evans he wasn’t allowed to eat mushrooms and shoot his guns at new writers anymore.

How The Dumbest Plagiarist In The World Tried To Blackmail Me (And Failed Hilariously)

srmxy:

So, last week I made a post about Alex Noudelman, a “Top 10” websites mogul who likes stealing articles from other sites, then accusing the original authors of plagiarism. He can get away with this because some sites, like Cracked, have forums where the writers develop the ideas for months and months before the sites buy them, so Noudelman just goes in there, scoops up the unfinished articles, and posts them before Cracked can. You can look at all the evidence in the post I linked to above. Other highlights of his career include filing copyright complaints against the same sites he steals from, harassing the original writers and possibly posing as a cancer survivor on Twitter (I’ll get back to this one later).

Yesterday, Alex Noudelman finally spoke up through his Twitter account. His explanation for all the theft? It was me! The guy writing this Tumblr post! Apparently, I stole all those articles, sent them to him to publish them under false pretenses… and then wrote a lengthy post exposing my own crimes, for some reason. Here’s his evidence:

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Because, you know, teenagers haven’t been faking emails using a combination of “emailing yourself” and “MS Paint” since the dawn of time. (Note that he has my IP address because I left him a nice message asking for the stolen articles to be removed before this whole thing started.) Anyway, I told him that I would confirm the email was real if he confirmed that this conversation between us took place:

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But wait, that was just the beginning!

Read More

He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue, and then you photoshop a picture of him saying something stupid on GChat.

How to Write an Article (A Step-By-Step Guide)

  1. Write a first draft. It’ll be awful, but that’s okay.
  2. Write a second draft. It’ll be worse somehow. That’ll be discouraging, but just keep going.
  3. Third draft. At this point, you should start to see… okay, no, never mind, this draft is pretty bad too. That’s okay.
  4. Maybe the fourth draft is… Nope.
  5. Drink.
  6. Okay, this is ridiculous. Nobody writes six drafts of a stupid comedy listicle. You’re not William Faulkner. It’s supposed to be easier than this. Everyone else is better at this than you.
  7. Sleep, because it’s fucking 3AM in the fucking morning.
  8. Why can’t you fall asleep.
  9. Watch Archer. Start to hate Archer. Feel bad, because you’re taking out your frustration unfairly. Apologize to Archer.
  10. Freak out a little bit because you have a more complicated relationship with a TV show than any actual person. 
  11. And not even a character on the show — the abstract concept of the show itself.
  12. Deadline’s here. Time to submit you’re cut-rate poser bullshit and hope it doesn’t get you fired.
  1. Write a first draft. It’ll be awful, but that’s okay.
cracked:

"Even if this article were totally positive, writing it would probably get me blacklisted if I still worked there."
6 Awful Realities Behind the Scenes at SeaWorld

#6. Lying Is a Requirement of the Job
For example, we were opening a new exhibit at my park that involved us quickly moving a ton of sharks and stingrays, dashing them across the park and dropping them in new homes with virtually no notice, because management needed the exhibit opened fast for “media day.” … [The animals] were extremely stressed out by being moved to a new home, and having a tidal wave of loud strangers with flashy cellphones crash through the very next day didn’t help much. The rays started beaching themselves — hurling their bodies out of the water and onto the sandy artificial beach at the edge of the tank — in a desperate attempt to escape.
Of course, we can’t tell the starry-eyed guests that the adorable critters are literally killing themselves to get away from their peering tourist faces, so we told the guests they were giving birth. This wasn’t little Billy’s terrifying first glimpse of death and corporate apathy, it was the miracle of life!

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cracked:

"Even if this article were totally positive, writing it would probably get me blacklisted if I still worked there."

6 Awful Realities Behind the Scenes at SeaWorld

#6. Lying Is a Requirement of the Job

For example, we were opening a new exhibit at my park that involved us quickly moving a ton of sharks and stingrays, dashing them across the park and dropping them in new homes with virtually no notice, because management needed the exhibit opened fast for “media day.” … [The animals] were extremely stressed out by being moved to a new home, and having a tidal wave of loud strangers with flashy cellphones crash through the very next day didn’t help much. The rays started beaching themselves — hurling their bodies out of the water and onto the sandy artificial beach at the edge of the tank — in a desperate attempt to escape.

Of course, we can’t tell the starry-eyed guests that the adorable critters are literally killing themselves to get away from their peering tourist faces, so we told the guests they were giving birth. This wasn’t little Billy’s terrifying first glimpse of death and corporate apathy, it was the miracle of life!

Read More

cracked:

The Plastics weren’t in the right, but they sure were winning.
4 Scientific Reasons Doing the Wrong Thing Feels So Good

#3. Gossip Makes You Better at Socializing
Despite what high-and-mighty attitudes you may have about how friend-groups should work, at the end of the day there’s a reason it feels so good to talk about people when they’re not around: It allows us to compare our lives to theirs, and since gossip generally focuses on the bad, the game is rigged for us to come out on top. That’s great not only for our self-esteem, but for our social development and understanding of social cues.

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I wrote it!

cracked:

The Plastics weren’t in the right, but they sure were winning.

4 Scientific Reasons Doing the Wrong Thing Feels So Good

#3. Gossip Makes You Better at Socializing

Despite what high-and-mighty attitudes you may have about how friend-groups should work, at the end of the day there’s a reason it feels so good to talk about people when they’re not around: It allows us to compare our lives to theirs, and since gossip generally focuses on the bad, the game is rigged for us to come out on top. That’s great not only for our self-esteem, but for our social development and understanding of social cues.

Read More

I wrote it!

Against my better judgement I’m going to hope that TVTropes is not hilariously full of shit, and imagine that somewhere, someone is hosting an All Night Sex Party while Knocked Up plays on a loop.

Against my better judgement I’m going to hope that TVTropes is not hilariously full of shit, and imagine that somewhere, someone is hosting an All Night Sex Party while Knocked Up plays on a loop.

Pretty sure I just figured out the ending to How I Met Your Mother

It’s not that the mother dies. It’s not that Ted bangs the Mother and then she leaves him and he raises the kids alone, even though a bait-and-switch non-traditional family at the center of a major sitcom would be awesome. And it’s not that Ted eats the mother after mating with her, despite all the hints that Ted is secretly a praying mantis. Are you ready? I’m gonna put it after the break because I’m pretty sure I’m right.

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I'm Apparently Going to Unnotice Your Ass

thebrockway:

Hey, finally! Official news on my latest book:

TOR GETS ‘UNNOTICED’ BY ROBERT BROCKWAY

In a second deal coming out of Tor this week, Paul Stevens bought Robert Brockway’s The Unnoticeables, at auction, in a three-book, six-figure deal. Brockway, who is a senior editor and columnist for…

You did that on purpose, didn’t you? You titled your book in a way that just begs people to make stupid, lowest-common-denominator jokes about things they noticed about your book. 

The Unnoticeables: Actually Worth Noticing

The 6 Coolest Hidden Details I Noticed about The Unnoticeables

If You Don’t Notice The Unnoticeables You’ll Wish You Had Been More Observant

Notice: Brockway, Robert. Male. Warrant Issued For: “Multiple Accounts of You Know Exactly What This is About, Don’t Play Dumb With Us.” [Warrant indefinitely delayed and delivered through book review due to officers being unable to find suspect’s house.]

Plagiarism Update

tracy-v:

My fellow Cracked writers have been doing some digging, because we will hunt you down if you steal from us. So far, they’ve found 22 articles stolen from Cracked and other sites like Listverse.com on CoolTop10s and RichTop10s, both of which are owned by Alex Noudelman.

Let me say that again:…