Cracked tracked down Donec Quis and Mallory Spline, two noble “freeway cowboys” (truckers), to ask them what it’s like to be the platelets that carry nutrients down the arteries of America.
#5. Everyone on the Highway Is Boning
Our nation’s highways are so full of people fillin’ ‘er up that it’s a wonder our species hasn’t died in a massive orgiastic pile of twisted metal and bared flesh. And truck drivers can see all of it.
"Every truck that passes you has a driver perched comfortably on the summit of Mount Watch-You-Fuck," Quis told us. "So whether you’re into highway head, roadway romps, slingin’ salami, or the two-finger tunnel run, know that you will be seen."
I also wrote this one you goons.
JF Sargent is a sexual Prius. And guess what: you can learn his fuckhybrid secrets.
#5. Picking People Up Is Easier Than You Think
When a guy has a lot of sex, other guys will often ask him what his “secret” is, as if women are a particularly challenging video game level and Billy Bones-A-Lot is the only guy in town who managed to buy the strategy guide. If men employ this “secret,” women will flock to them vagina-first, flapping their arms wildly for propulsion and screaming in erotic anticipation.
But according to science, that’s not true at all: Women are people, with thinking brains and big, soft, wet lungs, and they often choose to have sex for the same reasons men do — physical attraction, emotional connection, boredom, or even three more other things.
I have nothing to add. Alex Schmidt’s summary of my article is perfect.
Meth is terrible, and it turns some addicts into a pubescent Skeletor. But as our Personal Experience team found out, that’s not its only face.
#5. Most Meth Addicts Don’t Look Like Meth Addicts
"I actually gained weight," said [former meth addict] Oscar. "It’s a lot more invisible than people think … I work in mental health, and users will say, ‘You don’t know, you’ve never used drugs.’ People just don’t expect it from me." Meth addicts aren’t all homeless copper-hungry zombies. Most hold down jobs and (aside from the drug use) aren’t criminals of any sort. Statistics suggest that if you work in an organization with 100 people, two or three are meth users. It may even be your boss — it’d explain how they muster up so much pep on those team-building exercises.
Ha, I know exactly who this is.
man i love your writing. but Temple of Doom is amazing. the worst indiana jones is the one with the aliens and Shia Lebof (so aliens)
I don’t think that ever happened I think Harrison Ford died tragically on the set of 6 Days 7 Nights, which is why that movie was never released.
Even Peter Jackson hated making The Hobbit, and JF Sargent has evidence.
#5. The Hobbit Production Diaries Show That Peter Jackson Is Tired and Old
I checked out the special features, to see if they could explain why this movie is that thing it is and … well, here are some quotes, taken totally at random, from the production diaries and “The Appendices” found only on the extended Blu-ray:
"This is a nightmare." -Peter Jackson
"I asked Peter Jackson if he was going to do The Hobbit and he said, ‘No, I’m not interested in doing that.’” -Elijah Wood.
"[This movie] made me feel like I should stop acting." -Sir Ian McKellen
Sure, all those lines are said as jokes — but it’s the only type of joke anyone is making.
The special features for The Hobbit is like watching the “Always Look on the Bright Side of Your Life” scene from Life of Brian happen in real life for seven hours.
I could totally beat this guy up. Right guys? Right? Yeah, you got me.
I was on Adam Tod Brown’s podcast, “Unpopular Opinions,” this week, and I explained why I hate Train’s Drops of Jupiter, why I’ve watched Avril Lavigne’s Hello Kitty music video 500 times, and explained why I could totally beat up Mark Wahlberg. Please listen to it. Your attention is the only way I can feel happy.
I’m a broken man, readers. A broken man.
My alma mater was in the New York Times. I wish it had been for something other than rape.
College Administrators Are Great At Keeping Students Quiet
"They keep tenured faculty in control using similar means: They treat them as personal equals, they encourage them to form committees, study problems, provide the administration with advisory reports," says Robin J. Sowards, an English literature professor who used to teach at Hobart. "And by the time the administration has unambiguously ignored the faculty’s advice, so much time has passed that the faculty has forgotten the problems or is just too tired to fight for the solution. It’s even easier with students because they’re gone in four years, and over the summers." Keep in mind that he’s not just talking about the HWS administration — this is how every college functions. (I reached out to my alma mater’s administration for an interview as well, but never heard back. Probably because instead of being a serious journalist I’m just a comedy writer who doesn’t shave.)
“It might seem crazy that nurses would have a high rate of addiction, considering that we’re more knowledgeable about the horrible effects of drugs than the average person. But that’s the problem: We’re too close to drugs.”
#5. There’s Nothing to Stop You from Stealing Drugs and Needles
My drug of choice was Dilaudid, an opioid analgesic typically given to patients who are allergic to morphine (it also happens to be 7 to 10 times stronger than morphine). At the hospital, we stored it in 2-milligram vials, but since physicians almost never ordered that strong a dose, it was really easy for me to administer a portion of the vial and pocket the rest. How is that possible, when every day kids are yanked off the street for having a single rock of crack cocaine in their pocket?
Well, when you dispose of leftover narcotics, you’re supposed to find another RN to “witness the waste,” meaning you squirt it into a hazardous material bin while they watch. But if you’ve ever been to a hospital, you probably have some idea of how much people care about watching their co-worker throw something away…
Go serve the forces of good. Just make sure your boss’s boss isn’t hailing the nonprofit equivalent of Hydra.
#4. Being Exploited by Evil
See, idealistic, activist-y young folk are probably the most likely people to get scammed, because the one constant in this world is that any opportunity to make money will immediately be swarmed by a marauding band of vampiric squid-demons. One of the worst of these hellish cephalopods is Grassroots Campaigns Inc., a company that’s found a niche as the middleman between nonprofits and idealistic college kids. … GCI doesn’t actually pay either group. They pay the kids they hire minimum wage (or sometimes less, allegedly) while expecting them to work criminal fucking hours collecting donations. And then, once those donations are amassed, they rarely manage to find their way to the nonprofit they were collected for because, as a for-profit business, GCI is just better at screwing people over than a nonprofit ever will be.