Doc Sarge's Painkiller Carousel

Sep 17

cracked:

I was at a bar with friends when I first caught a whiff of the impending shitstorm. We were having birthday drinks when someone reached out to tell me that my ex had written a screed about our relationship that had been posted to a forum I belong to. Slowly, horrifically, we discovered that he had posted it to several other popular forums (that had immediately nuked it) and created a Wordpress blog that was literally nothing but his 10,000-word rant about our failed relationship. Shortly after that, we found Wikipedia edits on my page that had altered my date of death to coincide with planned public appearances (or, in one case, simply “soon”).
“5 Things I Learned as the Internet’s Most Hated Person” by Zoe Quinn

So Zoe’s a super nice person when you talk to her. If she’s come off as rude to you maybe ask yourself “is this because I tweeted ‘I hope you die’ at her?” Anyway I’m super glad she agreed to do an article for us because this is one of my favorites that we’ve run.

cracked:

I was at a bar with friends when I first caught a whiff of the impending shitstorm. We were having birthday drinks when someone reached out to tell me that my ex had written a screed about our relationship that had been posted to a forum I belong to. Slowly, horrifically, we discovered that he had posted it to several other popular forums (that had immediately nuked it) and created a Wordpress blog that was literally nothing but his 10,000-word rant about our failed relationship. Shortly after that, we found Wikipedia edits on my page that had altered my date of death to coincide with planned public appearances (or, in one case, simply “soon”).

“5 Things I Learned as the Internet’s Most Hated Person” by Zoe Quinn

So Zoe’s a super nice person when you talk to her. If she’s come off as rude to you maybe ask yourself “is this because I tweeted ‘I hope you die’ at her?” Anyway I’m super glad she agreed to do an article for us because this is one of my favorites that we’ve run.

Anonymous said: i think i have a crush on you. could you please not write so well and maybe with less insight so i can get over this? thanks.

Sure. When I conclude my decline into obscure mediocrity, everyone remember to blame Anonymous here. Even though they just said I was great like five minutes ago.

Anonymous said: I don't have a ton of space here, but dude... Your cracked articles are hitting it out of the park. I've read cracked for years and I can think of few articles that have had the impact on me that yours do. I suddenly feel like the comedy is meant to appeal to me as a ladyperson, and that you genuinely want people to think a little, and still keep them entertained, and that's beautiful. Keep fighting the good fight, sarge. I will be forever a fan.

FOREVER? I’m holding you to that, Anonymous!

Anonymous said: Hey, I just wanted to say I love your work. I think your article '6 Weird Things Everyone Misunderstands About Anger' was particularly good. A great mix of the humorous and the serious. Thanks. :)

You’re so kind. That was really personal so I was unhappy with how it came out, because I’m broken, but I’m glad you enjoyed it. Here’s a link for everyone.

Anonymous said: Is it weird to know that women across the world wanna bang you?

No because it’s always been true.

Sep 16

First uses of the #gamergate and #notyourshield hashtags -

cathodedebris:

There’s been some suggestion lately that #gamergate and #notyourshield are semi-legitmate hashtags. There’s been some suggestion not everyone is there to attack women, but to express genuine outrage at corruption in the games industry, or to identify themselves as minority members of the “gamer”…

Sep 15

thisishangingrockcomics:

actual diary entry from when i was in 5th grade oh my god

I also don’t like fashists.

thisishangingrockcomics:

actual diary entry from when i was in 5th grade oh my god

I also don’t like fashists.

Sep 08

cracked:

Pictured: modern medicine.
5 Things You Didn’t Know Surgeons Do With Your Body

#5. Surgery Can Be Way More Primitive Than You Think
You probably think of leeches as an old-timey medical anomaly. But after some plastic surgeries, reconstructed areas of the body get incompetent veins. The function of veins is to bring blood back to the heart, so if they’re not working, the arteries bring blood away from the heart and to the desired location, then the veins say fuck it and toss it wherever, like some lazy teenager home from school. The arteries don’t really have an “off” option, so blood piles up in that one spot, until the pressure of it kills all the cells it’s trying to bring nutrients and oxygen to. One way to alleviate this is bloodletting, and the best way we have to do that is to stick a handy medical-grade leech onto you.

Read More

This article was almost late but luckily the surgeon was kind enough to attach an extra hand so I could type 50% faster!

cracked:

Pictured: modern medicine.

5 Things You Didn’t Know Surgeons Do With Your Body

#5. Surgery Can Be Way More Primitive Than You Think

You probably think of leeches as an old-timey medical anomaly. But after some plastic surgeries, reconstructed areas of the body get incompetent veins. The function of veins is to bring blood back to the heart, so if they’re not working, the arteries bring blood away from the heart and to the desired location, then the veins say fuck it and toss it wherever, like some lazy teenager home from school. The arteries don’t really have an “off” option, so blood piles up in that one spot, until the pressure of it kills all the cells it’s trying to bring nutrients and oxygen to. One way to alleviate this is bloodletting, and the best way we have to do that is to stick a handy medical-grade leech onto you.

Read More

This article was almost late but luckily the surgeon was kind enough to attach an extra hand so I could type 50% faster!

Sep 02

cracked:

“I spent last Sunday binge-watching an entire season of Hemlock Grove, the Netflix original series about werewolves or some shit. I get a limited number of days on this Earth, and that’s where one of them went.” — J.F. Sargent
4 Reasons ‘Hemlock Grove’ Is Television’s Shitty Future

#4. TV Writers Are Writing for Bingers Now
"Binge-watching" isn’t really the phrase to describe what I did to myself with Hemlock Grove last Sunday, because “binge” implies an excessive consumption of something, and spending all day watching television is just what we do now. You might argue that this is a sign that Western Culture has reached its decadent peak, and you’d be totally right. Good job. I know that I, personally, have never felt more like an emperor than I did during this binge. I lounged with an air of tepid boredom in my soft, blue couch-chariot as diligent slaves dragged me past an endless display of sordid entertainment.

Read More

Sunday sucked.

cracked:

“I spent last Sunday binge-watching an entire season of Hemlock Grove, the Netflix original series about werewolves or some shit. I get a limited number of days on this Earth, and that’s where one of them went.” — J.F. Sargent

4 Reasons ‘Hemlock Grove’ Is Television’s Shitty Future

#4. TV Writers Are Writing for Bingers Now

"Binge-watching" isn’t really the phrase to describe what I did to myself with Hemlock Grove last Sunday, because “binge” implies an excessive consumption of something, and spending all day watching television is just what we do now. You might argue that this is a sign that Western Culture has reached its decadent peak, and you’d be totally right. Good job. I know that I, personally, have never felt more like an emperor than I did during this binge. I lounged with an air of tepid boredom in my soft, blue couch-chariot as diligent slaves dragged me past an endless display of sordid entertainment.

Read More

Sunday sucked.

  1. Guy imagines woman having sex.
  2. Guy gets aroused.
  3. Guy is frustrated he isn’t having sex.
  4. Guy gets mad at woman for arousing him.

There. I just described the back-story for 85% of all “scandals” involving women and their sex lives.