Doc Sarge's Painkiller Carousel

Jul 30

Anonymous said: poop attack

Ha, I know exactly who this is.

pablogerbasi said: man i love your writing. but Temple of Doom is amazing. the worst indiana jones is the one with the aliens and Shia Lebof (so aliens)

I don’t think that ever happened I think Harrison Ford died tragically on the set of 6 Days 7 Nights, which is why that movie was never released.

Jul 29

cracked:

Even Peter Jackson hated making The Hobbit, and JF Sargent has evidence.
5 Behind-the-Scenes Features That Show Why Movies Went Wrong

#5. The Hobbit Production Diaries Show That Peter Jackson Is Tired and Old
I checked out the special features, to see if they could explain why this movie is that thing it is and … well, here are some quotes, taken totally at random, from the production diaries and “The Appendices” found only on the extended Blu-ray:
"This is a nightmare." -Peter Jackson
"I asked Peter Jackson if he was going to do The Hobbit and he said, ‘No, I’m not interested in doing that.’” -Elijah Wood.
"[This movie] made me feel like I should stop acting." -Sir Ian McKellen
Sure, all those lines are said as jokes — but it’s the only type of joke anyone is making.

Read More

The special features for The Hobbit is like watching the “Always Look on the Bright Side of Your Life” scene from Life of Brian happen in real life for seven hours.

cracked:

Even Peter Jackson hated making The Hobbit, and JF Sargent has evidence.

5 Behind-the-Scenes Features That Show Why Movies Went Wrong

#5. The Hobbit Production Diaries Show That Peter Jackson Is Tired and Old

I checked out the special features, to see if they could explain why this movie is that thing it is and … well, here are some quotes, taken totally at random, from the production diaries and “The Appendices” found only on the extended Blu-ray:

"This is a nightmare." -Peter Jackson

"I asked Peter Jackson if he was going to do The Hobbit and he said, ‘No, I’m not interested in doing that.’” -Elijah Wood.

"[This movie] made me feel like I should stop acting." -Sir Ian McKellen

Sure, all those lines are said as jokes — but it’s the only type of joke anyone is making.

Read More

The special features for The Hobbit is like watching the “Always Look on the Bright Side of Your Life” scene from Life of Brian happen in real life for seven hours.

Jul 24

I could totally beat this guy up. Right guys? Right? Yeah, you got me.
I was on Adam Tod Brown’s podcast, “Unpopular Opinions,” this week, and I explained why I hate Train’s Drops of Jupiter, why I’ve watched Avril Lavigne’s Hello Kitty music video 500 times, and explained why I could totally beat up Mark Wahlberg. Please listen to it. Your attention is the only way I can feel happy.
I’m a broken man, readers. A broken man.

I could totally beat this guy up. Right guys? Right? Yeah, you got me.

I was on Adam Tod Brown’s podcast, “Unpopular Opinions,” this week, and I explained why I hate Train’s Drops of Jupiter, why I’ve watched Avril Lavigne’s Hello Kitty music video 500 times, and explained why I could totally beat up Mark Wahlberg. Please listen to it. Your attention is the only way I can feel happy.

I’m a broken man, readers. A broken man.

Jul 22

My alma mater was in the New York Times. I wish it had been for something other than rape.
5 Reasons Stopping Rape in College is Harder Than You Think

College Administrators Are Great At Keeping Students Quiet 
"They keep tenured faculty in control using similar means: They treat them as personal equals, they encourage them to form committees, study problems, provide the administration with advisory reports," says Robin J. Sowards, an English literature professor who used to teach at Hobart. "And by the time the administration has unambiguously ignored the faculty’s advice, so much time has passed that the faculty has forgotten the problems or is just too tired to fight for the solution. It’s even easier with students because they’re gone in four years, and over the summers." Keep in mind that he’s not just talking about the HWS administration — this is how every college functions. (I reached out to my alma mater’s administration for an interview as well, but never heard back. Probably because instead of being a serious journalist I’m just a comedy writer who doesn’t shave.)

My alma mater was in the New York Times. I wish it had been for something other than rape.


5 Reasons Stopping Rape in College is Harder Than You Think

College Administrators Are Great At Keeping Students Quiet 


"They keep tenured faculty in control using similar means: They treat them as personal equals, they encourage them to form committees, study problems, provide the administration with advisory reports," says Robin J. Sowards, an English literature professor who used to teach at Hobart. "And by the time the administration has unambiguously ignored the faculty’s advice, so much time has passed that the faculty has forgotten the problems or is just too tired to fight for the solution. It’s even easier with students because they’re gone in four years, and over the summers." Keep in mind that he’s not just talking about the HWS administration — this is how every college functions. (I reached out to my alma mater’s administration for an interview as well, but never heard back. Probably because instead of being a serious journalist I’m just a comedy writer who doesn’t shave.)

Jul 20

cracked:

“It might seem crazy that nurses would have a high rate of addiction, considering that we’re more knowledgeable about the horrible effects of drugs than the average person. But that’s the problem: We’re too close to drugs.”
5 Terrifying Things I Learned as a Drug-Addicted Nurse

#5. There’s Nothing to Stop You from Stealing Drugs and Needles
My drug of choice was Dilaudid, an opioid analgesic typically given to patients who are allergic to morphine (it also happens to be 7 to 10 times stronger than morphine). At the hospital, we stored it in 2-milligram vials, but since physicians almost never ordered that strong a dose, it was really easy for me to administer a portion of the vial and pocket the rest. How is that possible, when every day kids are yanked off the street for having a single rock of crack cocaine in their pocket?
Well, when you dispose of leftover narcotics, you’re supposed to find another RN to “witness the waste,” meaning you squirt it into a hazardous material bin while they watch. But if you’ve ever been to a hospital, you probably have some idea of how much people care about watching their co-worker throw something away…

Read More

cracked:

“It might seem crazy that nurses would have a high rate of addiction, considering that we’re more knowledgeable about the horrible effects of drugs than the average person. But that’s the problem: We’re too close to drugs.”

5 Terrifying Things I Learned as a Drug-Addicted Nurse

#5. There’s Nothing to Stop You from Stealing Drugs and Needles

My drug of choice was Dilaudid, an opioid analgesic typically given to patients who are allergic to morphine (it also happens to be 7 to 10 times stronger than morphine). At the hospital, we stored it in 2-milligram vials, but since physicians almost never ordered that strong a dose, it was really easy for me to administer a portion of the vial and pocket the rest. How is that possible, when every day kids are yanked off the street for having a single rock of crack cocaine in their pocket?

Well, when you dispose of leftover narcotics, you’re supposed to find another RN to “witness the waste,” meaning you squirt it into a hazardous material bin while they watch. But if you’ve ever been to a hospital, you probably have some idea of how much people care about watching their co-worker throw something away…

Read More

Jul 15

cracked:

Go serve the forces of good. Just make sure your boss’s boss isn’t hailing the nonprofit equivalent of Hydra.
4 Ways Hipster Activism Hurts the People It’s Trying to Help

#4. Being Exploited by Evil
See, idealistic, activist-y young folk are probably the most likely people to get scammed, because the one constant in this world is that any opportunity to make money will immediately be swarmed by a marauding band of vampiric squid-demons. One of the worst of these hellish cephalopods is Grassroots Campaigns Inc., a company that’s found a niche as the middleman between nonprofits and idealistic college kids. … GCI doesn’t actually pay either group. They pay the kids they hire minimum wage (or sometimes less, allegedly) while expecting them to work criminal fucking hours collecting donations. And then, once those donations are amassed, they rarely manage to find their way to the nonprofit they were collected for because, as a for-profit business, GCI is just better at screwing people over than a nonprofit ever will be.

Read More

cracked:

Go serve the forces of good. Just make sure your boss’s boss isn’t hailing the nonprofit equivalent of Hydra.

4 Ways Hipster Activism Hurts the People It’s Trying to Help

#4. Being Exploited by Evil

See, idealistic, activist-y young folk are probably the most likely people to get scammed, because the one constant in this world is that any opportunity to make money will immediately be swarmed by a marauding band of vampiric squid-demons. One of the worst of these hellish cephalopods is Grassroots Campaigns Inc., a company that’s found a niche as the middleman between nonprofits and idealistic college kids. … GCI doesn’t actually pay either group. They pay the kids they hire minimum wage (or sometimes less, allegedly) while expecting them to work criminal fucking hours collecting donations. And then, once those donations are amassed, they rarely manage to find their way to the nonprofit they were collected for because, as a for-profit business, GCI is just better at screwing people over than a nonprofit ever will be.

Read More

Jul 11

This is on the wall in my home. I made it with Alex Schmidt (who runs the Cracked Tumblr) David Christopher Bell (who runs the Quick Fix section) and Robert Evans (who runs the Personal Experience Article team) after we all saw Transformers: Age of Extinction and…
…I dunno. I guess I just thought you all should see it.

This is on the wall in my home. I made it with Alex Schmidt (who runs the Cracked Tumblr) David Christopher Bell (who runs the Quick Fix section) and Robert Evans (who runs the Personal Experience Article team) after we all saw Transformers: Age of Extinction and…

…I dunno. I guess I just thought you all should see it.

Jul 08

cracked:

Now that’s a show.
5 Dangerously Awesome Ways to Improve the Next 4th of July

#5. Fireworks
Fireworks are only interesting when they go wrong. We’d all rather watch fireworks go horribly, tragically wrong than the alternative (fucking boredom), so why not admit it? I watched that boat fire in person last year, and it was the best part of the holiday for me, because something of value was destroyed and I watched it happen. So why not just model the Fourth of July off The Purge? That may not be the birthday our country needs, but by God, it’s the birthday it deserves.

Read More

cracked:

Now that’s a show.

5 Dangerously Awesome Ways to Improve the Next 4th of July

#5. Fireworks

Fireworks are only interesting when they go wrong. We’d all rather watch fireworks go horribly, tragically wrong than the alternative (fucking boredom), so why not admit it? I watched that boat fire in person last year, and it was the best part of the holiday for me, because something of value was destroyed and I watched it happen. So why not just model the Fourth of July off The Purge? That may not be the birthday our country needs, but by God, it’s the birthday it deserves.

Read More

Jul 02

snail-bby said: *progressively develops a huge crush on you while reading your articles*

*Smiles sheepishly and pretends not to notice because I get nervous around people who approve of me*

*prints out your comment and pins it to the wall above my desk*

*stares at it every day instead of getting work done*

*comes in one day and sees it’s gone*

*Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck*

*goddamn who stole that piece of paper I’ll kill you all*

*drinks a whole bunch of redbull*

*tries to recreate the letter from memory but can’t recall the exact wording*

*cries*

*shit this got weird.*