“I spent last Sunday binge-watching an entire season of Hemlock Grove, the Netflix original series about werewolves or some shit. I get a limited number of days on this Earth, and that’s where one of them went.” — J.F. Sargent
4 Reasons ‘Hemlock Grove’ Is Television’s Shitty Future
#4. TV Writers Are Writing for Bingers Now
"Binge-watching" isn’t really the phrase to describe what I did to myself with Hemlock Grove last Sunday, because “binge” implies an excessive consumption of something, and spending all day watching television is just what we do now. You might argue that this is a sign that Western Culture has reached its decadent peak, and you’d be totally right. Good job. I know that I, personally, have never felt more like an emperor than I did during this binge. I lounged with an air of tepid boredom in my soft, blue couch-chariot as diligent slaves dragged me past an endless display of sordid entertainment.
There. I just described the back-story for 85% of the “scandals” you’ll ever hear about involving women and their sex lives.
If you get to carry a gun and break traffic laws, you might need to make a conscious effort to otherwise be a regular Joe.
4 Weird Decisions That Have Made Modern Cops Terrifying
#4. Cops Separate Themselves From the Community
To someone on the outside, one of the most baffling parts of the Ferguson Police Department’s response to their shooting of an unarmed teenager was when they refused to name the officer who pulled the trigger. “If we come out and say, ‘It was this officer,’ then he immediately becomes a target,” the Ferguson, MO police chief said, about officer Darren Wilson, the cop who shot 18 year-old Mike Brown. “We’re taking the threats seriously.” The reason it seemed strange is because it implied that the cops don’t see themselves as part of the community. In a perfect world, the police chief should look at a dead kid and be like, “Wow, this whole town needs to work together to figure out what happened here, because a child is dead, and that is unacceptable.” But instead he prioritized the comfort and security of his officer over the comfort and security of his community, which … okay, non-rhetorical question: Isn’t that literally the opposite of his job?
We talked to a former high-ranking member of a South Philadelphia skinhead gang, who said things look a little different from the inside. And the scariest part is how easy it is to get sucked in.
5 Things I Learned as a Neo-Nazi
#5. We All Start Out as Scared Kids
The first thing to understand is that it’s not about racism. Yes, hatred of other races is what binds a skinhead gang together, but it could just as easily be something else as long as it binds us. If the skinheads hadn’t found me, some other gang would have, and I’d have gone along with whatever they were into. It could have been that gang of mimes from The Warriors.
Wrote this with Frank Meeink.
Big Houses are fun, but most of the time they’re money pits.
5 Reasons Sports Are the Worst Thing Ever: Unbiased Opinion
#4. College Sports Are Bad for Schools
Varsity sports are fucking a big, bloody hole right in the center of the American education system, and laughing the entire time. If we did away with all varsity sports — yes, all of it, today — the world would be a better place. I’m serious, why do we play sports in college at all? What’s the fucking purpose? Aren’t those supposed to be schools? Aren’t we supposed to be teaching people about the real world? “But sports bring in money!” you spit desperately at your computer screen. No, they don’t: Sports teams are actually massive financial drains on their colleges, with only 10 percent turning a profit. Most colleges end up more like the University of Michigan, which lost $7 million over two seasons.
Most people’s definition of blindness (“Uh … their eyes don’t work, right?”) misses a huge chunk of what going through life without vision is really like.
5 Shocking Ways the Modern World Screws Blind People
#5. People Are Constantly Accusing You of Faking
Like cheap liquor, blindness comes in a huge variety of flavors and varieties — and while all those flavors are vaguely reminiscent of butt, they do all have their unique takes on it. “Legally blind,” for example, doesn’t mean your eyes don’t work, it just means they’re one-tenth as powerful as they should be, which effectively means that you can’t see below the big E on an eye-doctor’s chart. So even a lot of legally blind people can read books, provided they use a computer screen or anything with a massive enough font.
You can, in fact, gather 50 blind people and not have any two of them see the same way.
Logan Trent, the manager of Cracked’s layout team, made a mock poster of some of my tweets about binge watching Hemlock Grove.
We spoke to Gary Noesner, a 30-year veteran of crisis negotiation who was present for the first half of the Waco standoff of 1993. And he is AMAZING at flirting.
4 Aspects of Hostage Situations Movies Didn’t Prepare Me For
#4. Hostage Negotiation Is Like Picking Up a Date
As Noesner once explained to an audience of university students: “Guys, if you’re truly interested in a young lady in here, listen to them … Listen to them talk about their likes and interests, and ask good follow-up questions to show that you are interested and paying close attention to what they have to say.” Noesner uses that same approach for high-stakes negotiations. The criminals don’t usually plan on taking hostages, after all — they’re just panicking at a situation that has escalated beyond their control. … After every successful negotiation, Noesner would ask perpetrators what it was he said that made them agree to surrender — and the answer was always “I don’t remember what you said, but I liked how you said it.”
Gettin’ you laid, day after day. You’re welcome, internet.