Quick question: If you came home from work one day and found that your apartment was gone — like if it got sucked into a portal to hell like the house at the end of Poltergeist — where would you go? If you say you’d stay with family, what if you had just moved to a new state, away from everyone? If you say you’d crash at a friend’s house, what if the only people you knew were your roommates in said apartment?
CRACKED interview with “William Bonnie,” who spent three months homeless in Montana. It’s nothing like what people think.
“You see, in the middle of the 15th century, Paris was less the metropolis of cheap wine and sex that we know today and more of a tiny walled-off village on one island in the middle of the Seine. What the Parisians hadn’t realized, however, was that they’d built their home right in the middle of a nearby wolf pack’s grocery store. The wolves saw this less as their corner store getting closed down and more as it being replaced by a supermarket.”—Read about wolves (the coolest animals in the world) killing French people (French people)! 5 True Stories of Killer Animals Too Unrealistic For Movies!
Karl Smallwood's 9-year-old sister is getting into the writing game. With permission, here is a reposting of her her inaugural internet article. It’s all images because I suck at HTML and it’s clear she used her sweet laptop to work super hard on the formatting.
If you want to leave her a message, go here. Anyway, with no further ado:
As proudly stated in his Twitter bio, Shaun is the Associate Editor of WhatCulture.com and a Tomatometer critic at Rotten Tomatoes. This is an article by Shaun Munro, posted at WhatCulture on July 1:
And this is an article under the same premise pitched by two members of the Cracked Comedy Workshop exactly one week earlier:
Shaun’s article has six entries in common with the Cracked pitch… but, y’know, so what? Websites steal full articles from Cracked.com all the time. There are entire Wordpress sites with dozens of subscribers that do nothing but repost Cracked lists as soon as they’re posted. Well, the difference here is that the articles Shaun is shamelessly copying haven’t been posted — he’s going into the Cracked Workshop (which is for registered members only) and swiping articles before they get a chance to go up on the site, making the original writer look like the plagiarist and thus putting their livelihood at risk. This has been called to Shaun’s attention, and he’s still doing it.
“But Joanna doesn’t speak like you and I, Connor. Not with words. No. She speaks with colors. All the colors. But primarily the colors of history. The most vibrant and beautiful and throbbing and majestic colors of all, Connor. The colors that define our experience as men. As men, goddammit!”
Arthur Something looked at Connor expectantly, like he needed a response.
Honestly, my first instinct when I saw “MC Rapezilla” showing up in my Twitter Notification feed a while back was to just block him. My second instinct was to publicly shame him. I had some nasty jokes cooked up too.
But instead the angels of my better nature beat the angels of my dickhead nature in the ceremonial drinking contest, so I decided to play nice on the internet, and it turned out pretty alright.
Connor considered the possibility of floating away, out into space. He’d probably be spinning as he went. As he tumbled the Joanna would slide in and out of view, getting smaller and smaller with each appearance. He wondered if he’d asphyxiate before she disappeared. He wondered how alone he’d be when he died.
Today I interviewed comedy writer extraordinaire Jim Avery. He’s a lifer over at Cracked who wears lots of hats, and there’s roughly an 85% chance that he’s been involved in the creation of any given article.
But more importantly, he is the man who named the Sharknado sequel (it’s going to be called Sharknado 2: The Second One). We sat down for a little bit to discuss his genius and my chances of dating Taylor Swift.
I found this picture on Google Image and I’m reasonably sure it’s him.
I’ve lost students to violence before. I was a (pretend) teacher for two years (I never got my certificate, I just weaseled my way into teaching jobs because I’m charming as shit), and I lost so many students to violence. More than you would believe if I told you. I remember all their names.
What no one tells you is that the jobs at the bottom of the totem pole aren’t simply the crappiest jobs in the workforce. No, the totem pole itself is rigged to steal everything it can from the guys on the bottom.