If you get to carry a gun and break traffic laws, you might need to make a conscious effort to otherwise be a regular Joe.
#4. Cops Separate Themselves From the Community
To someone on the outside, one of the most baffling parts of the Ferguson Police Department’s response to their shooting of an unarmed teenager was when they refused to name the officer who pulled the trigger. “If we come out and say, ‘It was this officer,’ then he immediately becomes a target,” the Ferguson, MO police chief said, about officer Darren Wilson, the cop who shot 18 year-old Mike Brown. “We’re taking the threats seriously.” The reason it seemed strange is because it implied that the cops don’t see themselves as part of the community. In a perfect world, the police chief should look at a dead kid and be like, “Wow, this whole town needs to work together to figure out what happened here, because a child is dead, and that is unacceptable.” But instead he prioritized the comfort and security of his officer over the comfort and security of his community, which … okay, non-rhetorical question: Isn’t that literally the opposite of his job?
We talked to a former high-ranking member of a South Philadelphia skinhead gang, who said things look a little different from the inside. And the scariest part is how easy it is to get sucked in.
#5. We All Start Out as Scared Kids
The first thing to understand is that it’s not about racism. Yes, hatred of other races is what binds a skinhead gang together, but it could just as easily be something else as long as it binds us. If the skinheads hadn’t found me, some other gang would have, and I’d have gone along with whatever they were into. It could have been that gang of mimes from The Warriors.
Wrote this with Frank Meeink.
Big Houses are fun, but most of the time they’re money pits.
#4. College Sports Are Bad for Schools
Varsity sports are fucking a big, bloody hole right in the center of the American education system, and laughing the entire time. If we did away with all varsity sports — yes, all of it, today — the world would be a better place. I’m serious, why do we play sports in college at all? What’s the fucking purpose? Aren’t those supposed to be schools? Aren’t we supposed to be teaching people about the real world? “But sports bring in money!” you spit desperately at your computer screen. No, they don’t: Sports teams are actually massive financial drains on their colleges, with only 10 percent turning a profit. Most colleges end up more like the University of Michigan, which lost $7 million over two seasons.
Most people’s definition of blindness (“Uh … their eyes don’t work, right?”) misses a huge chunk of what going through life without vision is really like.
#5. People Are Constantly Accusing You of Faking
Like cheap liquor, blindness comes in a huge variety of flavors and varieties — and while all those flavors are vaguely reminiscent of butt, they do all have their unique takes on it. “Legally blind,” for example, doesn’t mean your eyes don’t work, it just means they’re one-tenth as powerful as they should be, which effectively means that you can’t see below the big E on an eye-doctor’s chart. So even a lot of legally blind people can read books, provided they use a computer screen or anything with a massive enough font.
You can, in fact, gather 50 blind people and not have any two of them see the same way.
Logan Trent, the manager of Cracked’s layout team, made a mock poster of some of my tweets about binge watching Hemlock Grove.
Guys, it’d be okay if we ended these movies literally any other way.
4. Give Us a Different Ending
Sooooooooo what’s up with that, Marvel? You’ve been totally crushing it with the zingers and character development (two things that seem consistently impossible for most other big-budget movies) but how come, since The Avengers, you only know how to end movies with a big special-effects extravaganza? What happened to Charlie Chaplin duking it out with The Dude, like at the end of Iron Man? Hell, in Guardians it doesn’t even really make sense: We’ve barely even seen Zandar (Xandar?), and have no real reason to care about it aside from our natural human tendency to prefer that innocent people don’t die.
We spoke to Gary Noesner, a 30-year veteran of crisis negotiation who was present for the first half of the Waco standoff of 1993. And he is AMAZING at flirting.
#4. Hostage Negotiation Is Like Picking Up a Date
As Noesner once explained to an audience of university students: “Guys, if you’re truly interested in a young lady in here, listen to them … Listen to them talk about their likes and interests, and ask good follow-up questions to show that you are interested and paying close attention to what they have to say.” Noesner uses that same approach for high-stakes negotiations. The criminals don’t usually plan on taking hostages, after all — they’re just panicking at a situation that has escalated beyond their control. … After every successful negotiation, Noesner would ask perpetrators what it was he said that made them agree to surrender — and the answer was always “I don’t remember what you said, but I liked how you said it.”
Gettin’ you laid, day after day. You’re welcome, internet.
You give me hope through your articles that guys can still become feminist.
I think that over all, guys are actually pretty rad, ya know? I know that for a lot of women it can seem like it’s not, because our concept of masculinity is so hilariously broken, but actual masculinity — the real stuff at the center of every guy that makes us guys — is actually good. I love being a guy. I love cars and burping and wrestling. At our core, all guys want for the world what ladies want: We want everyone to be safe, and to be treated fairly, and to find what they want.
The problem with people is that our selfishness is smarter than we are, and really good at tricking us into acting like total shitbirds. It’s tricked us into creating a set of societal standards that exist separately from any one living person, and yet give this group of people all the cookies and clothes and safety, and gives that group of people only wood chips, rags and fear. Whether or not it’s the fault of anyone alive, it’s still broken, and we still gotta fix it. Or just keep living in a broken society, I guess. That’s an option, just kind of a bummer of one.
I dunno. I’m glad the stuff I’ve said has made you feel better about a group of people in the world, because that’s the best thing I can do with my writing. I have a lot of faith in people, if only because I don’t know what the hell else I could ever have faith in.
Whoa, you live in Bloomington? I'm probably going to suspect any skinny, seductively nerdy stranger I see around town is you. Things might get weird. (Also, I adore your articles. You're easily one of my favorite writers.)
I don’t! I actually live in Los Angeles. I was visiting there for my friends’ wedding, because I have friends who get married now, ooooh look at me. I’d never been to Indiana before and it was very strange and I felt out of place, so I soothed my insecurity by finding innocent people who were just trying to enjoy a dinner with their family and rudely start telling them about dick science.
Thanks for saying you like my silly stuff. I will continue to accost strangers for your amusement.