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Right, so this is what my cat actually looks like. Her name is Loki (which is both a reference to the Norse God and short for “Res Ipsa Loquitur,” because she talks a lot) and that is her friend, the Plush Newborn Xenomorph. 
In my column she is an alligator. My column is full of lies.

4 Common Complaints That Completely Miss the Point
1. Complaining About White Guilt
Let’s say that my pet cat leaps out of a dank, murky pond, like the Stygian jaws of death itself, to murder and eat my neighbor’s child. Like it just abruptly and without warning pops up out of the water, crushes the life out of a tiny person, and then gorily consumes it, like a grisly scene from one of those low-budget horror films that only seem to exist on Netflix Instant. What do I do? Apologize? Clean up the sopping red mass of guts that used to be my neighbor’s kid? Put my cat down, even though she’s so adorable, I can’t even stand it?
Whatever I decide, that decision shouldn’t be rooted in my feelings, because absolutely nothing is less relevant at that point. If the apartment building decides to ban cats and put up signs reminding everyone that they’re not allowed to have them, it’s not because they’re trying to make me feel cat-owner guilt; it’s because they don’t want kids to get eaten anymore. They’re not trying to hurt my feelings, because my feelings really aren’t the fucking point. It’s the same thing with the concept of white guilt roughly 99 percent of the time.

Right, so this is what my cat actually looks like. Her name is Loki (which is both a reference to the Norse God and short for “Res Ipsa Loquitur,” because she talks a lot) and that is her friend, the Plush Newborn Xenomorph. 

In my column she is an alligator. My column is full of lies.

4 Common Complaints That Completely Miss the Point

1. Complaining About White Guilt

Let’s say that my pet cat leaps out of a dank, murky pond, like the Stygian jaws of death itself, to murder and eat my neighbor’s child. Like it just abruptly and without warning pops up out of the water, crushes the life out of a tiny person, and then gorily consumes it, like a grisly scene from one of those low-budget horror films that only seem to exist on Netflix Instant. What do I do? Apologize? Clean up the sopping red mass of guts that used to be my neighbor’s kid? Put my cat down, even though she’s so adorable, I can’t even stand it?

Whatever I decide, that decision shouldn’t be rooted in my feelings, because absolutely nothing is less relevant at that point. If the apartment building decides to ban cats and put up signs reminding everyone that they’re not allowed to have them, it’s not because they’re trying to make me feel cat-owner guilt; it’s because they don’t want kids to get eaten anymore. They’re not trying to hurt my feelings, because my feelings really aren’t the fucking point. It’s the same thing with the concept of white guilt roughly 99 percent of the time.

startthemachine:

sorenbowie:

jetpackexhaust:

thisdanobrien:

hereinidaho:

cracked:

kathythewriter:

codyjohnston:

Maggie remembers the war.

This calls for a #DogsOfCracked cute-off. Briscoe says take this:


And Christina H’s pooch Frobolome enters the rumble…


This is Stormageddon “Craig” Harrison, and he likes to party. 


All you motherfuckers brought “sweet” to a Cute Fight.

That was taken after a trip to the dog park, which we take EVERY SINGLE MORNING, even when I’m hungover, which is LOTS. He plays with his dog-friends and if no one else is there, we do WIND SPRINTS to keep us both SHARP. I am Dog Mom Supreme.


Neutrino wonders at the disproportionate number of non-cats among Cracked writers’ pets. I mean we’re meant to be working on the internet.

This is my plant. I don’t know what kind it is. It gets too much sun, or not enough or something. Anyway, it’s dying, but in a cute way.

This is my t-rex. I gave him a cape and a hammer and named him Tyrannothorus. He is the tyrant lizard king of thunder and lightning.



Ahem.

startthemachine:

sorenbowie:

jetpackexhaust:

thisdanobrien:

hereinidaho:

cracked:

kathythewriter:

codyjohnston:

Maggie remembers the war.

This calls for a #DogsOfCracked cute-off. Briscoe says take this:

And Christina H’s pooch Frobolome enters the rumble…

This is Stormageddon “Craig” Harrison, and he likes to party. 

image

All you motherfuckers brought “sweet” to a Cute Fight.

That was taken after a trip to the dog park, which we take EVERY SINGLE MORNING, even when I’m hungover, which is LOTS. He plays with his dog-friends and if no one else is there, we do WIND SPRINTS to keep us both SHARP. I am Dog Mom Supreme.

Neutrino wonders at the disproportionate number of non-cats among Cracked writers’ pets. I mean we’re meant to be working on the internet.

This is my plant. I don’t know what kind it is. It gets too much sun, or not enough or something. Anyway, it’s dying, but in a cute way.

This is my t-rex. I gave him a cape and a hammer and named him Tyrannothorus. He is the tyrant lizard king of thunder and lightning.

Tyrannothorus

Ahem.

Meisterj is pretty cool.

Meisterj is pretty cool.

My new column is in the main-feature spot on the Cracked front page because it’s so fucking good.
6 Movies That Put Insane Work Into Details You Didn’t Notice

6. Wreck-It-Ralph References Every Video Game Ever
"Sheng Long Was Here" is a reference to a mistranslation of the term "Dragon Punch" in the Street Fighter II instruction manual, which was later exploited by Electronic Gaming Monthly in 1992 as an April Fool’s joke that convinced everyone that Sheng Long was a hidden character that could only be unlocked by playing through the game without taking any damage 10 times in a row, then dodging the final boss’ attacks (but not actually hitting him) until the timer ran out. Because back in 1992, video game magazines had only two goals: breaking hearts, and ruining kids’ psychosocial development by planting the idea that they could grow up to write about video games as an actual job, job-type-job.

My new column is in the main-feature spot on the Cracked front page because it’s so fucking good.

6 Movies That Put Insane Work Into Details You Didn’t Notice

6. Wreck-It-Ralph References Every Video Game Ever

"Sheng Long Was Here" is a reference to a mistranslation of the term "Dragon Punch" in the Street Fighter II instruction manual, which was later exploited by Electronic Gaming Monthly in 1992 as an April Fool’s joke that convinced everyone that Sheng Long was a hidden character that could only be unlocked by playing through the game without taking any damage 10 times in a row, then dodging the final boss’ attacks (but not actually hitting him) until the timer ran out. Because back in 1992, video game magazines had only two goals: breaking hearts, and ruining kids’ psychosocial development by planting the idea that they could grow up to write about video games as an actual job, job-type-job.

Apr 9
cracked:

"#Selfie #HeBasicallyDied"
5 People Who Accidentally Filmed Real-Life Action Scenes

#3. The Scuba Diver Who Found a Survivor in a Sunken Ship
Obviously, the story here isn’t “undersea zombies exist, and you’re just reading about it now in a comedy article because you really suck at following the news.” No, this story is way more unrealistic: After the tugboat Jacson 4 sank off the coast of Nigeria last year, the ship’s chef survived in an air bubble 100 feet below the ocean’s surface … for three goddamn days. Then he was rescued, and we get to see it happen. … The diver returned later with equipment, brought the poor guy back to the surface, and immediately started snapping commemorative photos. 

Read More

I wrote this with my hands and brain. Read it with your eyes and brain.

cracked:

"#Selfie #HeBasicallyDied"

5 People Who Accidentally Filmed Real-Life Action Scenes

#3. The Scuba Diver Who Found a Survivor in a Sunken Ship

Obviously, the story here isn’t “undersea zombies exist, and you’re just reading about it now in a comedy article because you really suck at following the news.” No, this story is way more unrealistic: After the tugboat Jacson 4 sank off the coast of Nigeria last year, the ship’s chef survived in an air bubble 100 feet below the ocean’s surface … for three goddamn days. Then he was rescued, and we get to see it happen. … The diver returned later with equipment, brought the poor guy back to the surface, and immediately started snapping commemorative photos. 

Read More

I wrote this with my hands and brain. Read it with your eyes and brain.

Apr 4

Oh, by the way

Here’s my new column banner, designed by the lovely and talented Winston Rowntree, also responsible for illustrations in Dan O’Brien’s book and the Cracked De-Textbook:

image

That’s going to appear at the top of the page of all my columns from now on. PREPARE YOUR FACE-EYES FOR GLORY.

Apr 2
I thought the weirdest thing about the finale is that Ted told his whole story from behind a desk. What the fuck, dude, just hang out with your kids, informally. Like a person. 
Also, I liked the ending. Read more at FilmSchoolRejects.com (spoilers):

Ted and Robin have always been the show’s Ross and Rachel, the “Will They/Won’t They” couple whose conflict drives the series. And yes, it does in fact drive the series: it’s the only inter-character issue that has been present for the entire series. Other things come and go, Ted and Robin’s weird, complicated, sexual and romantic tension has maintained.
You might insist that finding “The Mother” is the real point of the show, but I’d argue that that’d be kinda terrible. Remember, “The Mother” isn’t a character until season 9, and doesn’t even get a name until the final minutes. Let me say that again, but with italics for emphasis. She doesn’t get a name until the final minutes. Ted’s pursuit of “The perfect woman” isn’t a romance story, it’s an emotional fetch-quest, shallow, selfish and narcissistic.

I thought the weirdest thing about the finale is that Ted told his whole story from behind a desk. What the fuck, dude, just hang out with your kids, informally. Like a person

Also, I liked the ending. Read more at FilmSchoolRejects.com (spoilers):

Ted and Robin have always been the show’s Ross and Rachel, the “Will They/Won’t They” couple whose conflict drives the series. And yes, it does in fact drive the series: it’s the only inter-character issue that has been present for the entire series. Other things come and go, Ted and Robin’s weird, complicated, sexual and romantic tension has maintained.

You might insist that finding “The Mother” is the real point of the show, but I’d argue that that’d be kinda terrible. Remember, “The Mother” isn’t a character until season 9, and doesn’t even get a name until the final minutes. Let me say that again, but with italics for emphasis. She doesn’t get a name until the final minutes. Ted’s pursuit of “The perfect woman” isn’t a romance story, it’s an emotional fetch-quest, shallow, selfish and narcissistic.

Apr 1
Well, at least he’s not crying, like some kind of Punk Rock Jesus. Oh, wait, he is.
4 Shameless Uses of Dead Celebrities in Marketing Campaigns

4. This Godawful Statue of Kurt Cobain
To say that I don’t like this monument, that I find it crass and insulting, does a disservice to the feelings in my heart. I’m being completely honest when I say that if a young, bright-eyed child — say, my cousin’s kid — came to me to share his joy at having discovered the sublime ecstasy of creation and then showed me this fucking statue as his symbolic first step on the journey to becoming a true artist, I would have no choice as to what to do next. I would tearfully inform him that he had no future, creatively. That he must burn his unholy abomination, as well as the tools he sullied by fostering it, and then go to college to become an accountant.

Well, at least he’s not crying, like some kind of Punk Rock Jesus. Oh, wait, he is.

4 Shameless Uses of Dead Celebrities in Marketing Campaigns

4. This Godawful Statue of Kurt Cobain

To say that I don’t like this monument, that I find it crass and insulting, does a disservice to the feelings in my heart. I’m being completely honest when I say that if a young, bright-eyed child — say, my cousin’s kid — came to me to share his joy at having discovered the sublime ecstasy of creation and then showed me this fucking statue as his symbolic first step on the journey to becoming a true artist, I would have no choice as to what to do next. I would tearfully inform him that he had no future, creatively. That he must burn his unholy abomination, as well as the tools he sullied by fostering it, and then go to college to become an accountant.

cracked:

Rom.Com ends with the greatest worst dating profile ever made (and it’s inspired by true events). Check out the finale right now, or catch up from the beginning.

Everybody watch this show so that they make more of it so I can keep watching it.

Looks like Pietriarchy is a fan of John Cheese.