Big Houses are fun, but most of the time they’re money pits.
#4. College Sports Are Bad for Schools
Varsity sports are fucking a big, bloody hole right in the center of the American education system, and laughing the entire time. If we did away with all varsity sports — yes, all of it, today — the world would be a better place. I’m serious, why do we play sports in college at all? What’s the fucking purpose? Aren’t those supposed to be schools? Aren’t we supposed to be teaching people about the real world? “But sports bring in money!” you spit desperately at your computer screen. No, they don’t: Sports teams are actually massive financial drains on their colleges, with only 10 percent turning a profit. Most colleges end up more like the University of Michigan, which lost $7 million over two seasons.
Most people’s definition of blindness (“Uh … their eyes don’t work, right?”) misses a huge chunk of what going through life without vision is really like.
#5. People Are Constantly Accusing You of Faking
Like cheap liquor, blindness comes in a huge variety of flavors and varieties — and while all those flavors are vaguely reminiscent of butt, they do all have their unique takes on it. “Legally blind,” for example, doesn’t mean your eyes don’t work, it just means they’re one-tenth as powerful as they should be, which effectively means that you can’t see below the big E on an eye-doctor’s chart. So even a lot of legally blind people can read books, provided they use a computer screen or anything with a massive enough font.
You can, in fact, gather 50 blind people and not have any two of them see the same way.
Logan Trent, the manager of Cracked’s layout team, made a mock poster of some of my tweets about binge watching Hemlock Grove.
Guys, it’d be okay if we ended these movies literally any other way.
4. Give Us a Different Ending
Sooooooooo what’s up with that, Marvel? You’ve been totally crushing it with the zingers and character development (two things that seem consistently impossible for most other big-budget movies) but how come, since The Avengers, you only know how to end movies with a big special-effects extravaganza? What happened to Charlie Chaplin duking it out with The Dude, like at the end of Iron Man? Hell, in Guardians it doesn’t even really make sense: We’ve barely even seen Zandar (Xandar?), and have no real reason to care about it aside from our natural human tendency to prefer that innocent people don’t die.
We spoke to Gary Noesner, a 30-year veteran of crisis negotiation who was present for the first half of the Waco standoff of 1993. And he is AMAZING at flirting.
#4. Hostage Negotiation Is Like Picking Up a Date
As Noesner once explained to an audience of university students: “Guys, if you’re truly interested in a young lady in here, listen to them … Listen to them talk about their likes and interests, and ask good follow-up questions to show that you are interested and paying close attention to what they have to say.” Noesner uses that same approach for high-stakes negotiations. The criminals don’t usually plan on taking hostages, after all — they’re just panicking at a situation that has escalated beyond their control. … After every successful negotiation, Noesner would ask perpetrators what it was he said that made them agree to surrender — and the answer was always “I don’t remember what you said, but I liked how you said it.”
Gettin’ you laid, day after day. You’re welcome, internet.
You give me hope through your articles that guys can still become feminist.
I think that over all, guys are actually pretty rad, ya know? I know that for a lot of women it can seem like it’s not, because our concept of masculinity is so hilariously broken, but actual masculinity — the real stuff at the center of every guy that makes us guys — is actually good. I love being a guy. I love cars and burping and wrestling. At our core, all guys want for the world what ladies want: We want everyone to be safe, and to be treated fairly, and to find what they want.
The problem with people is that our selfishness is smarter than we are, and really good at tricking us into acting like total shitbirds. It’s tricked us into creating a set of societal standards that exist separately from any one living person, and yet give this group of people all the cookies and clothes and safety, and gives that group of people only wood chips, rags and fear. Whether or not it’s the fault of anyone alive, it’s still broken, and we still gotta fix it. Or just keep living in a broken society, I guess. That’s an option, just kind of a bummer of one.
I dunno. I’m glad the stuff I’ve said has made you feel better about a group of people in the world, because that’s the best thing I can do with my writing. I have a lot of faith in people, if only because I don’t know what the hell else I could ever have faith in.
Whoa, you live in Bloomington? I'm probably going to suspect any skinny, seductively nerdy stranger I see around town is you. Things might get weird. (Also, I adore your articles. You're easily one of my favorite writers.)
I don’t! I actually live in Los Angeles. I was visiting there for my friends’ wedding, because I have friends who get married now, ooooh look at me. I’d never been to Indiana before and it was very strange and I felt out of place, so I soothed my insecurity by finding innocent people who were just trying to enjoy a dinner with their family and rudely start telling them about dick science.
Thanks for saying you like my silly stuff. I will continue to accost strangers for your amusement.
Cracked tracked down Donec Quis and Mallory Spline, two noble “freeway cowboys” (truckers), to ask them what it’s like to be the platelets that carry nutrients down the arteries of America.
#5. Everyone on the Highway Is Boning
Our nation’s highways are so full of people fillin’ ‘er up that it’s a wonder our species hasn’t died in a massive orgiastic pile of twisted metal and bared flesh. And truck drivers can see all of it.
"Every truck that passes you has a driver perched comfortably on the summit of Mount Watch-You-Fuck," Quis told us. "So whether you’re into highway head, roadway romps, slingin’ salami, or the two-finger tunnel run, know that you will be seen."
I also wrote this one you goons.
JF Sargent is a sexual Prius. And guess what: you can learn his fuckhybrid secrets.
#5. Picking People Up Is Easier Than You Think
When a guy has a lot of sex, other guys will often ask him what his “secret” is, as if women are a particularly challenging video game level and Billy Bones-A-Lot is the only guy in town who managed to buy the strategy guide. If men employ this “secret,” women will flock to them vagina-first, flapping their arms wildly for propulsion and screaming in erotic anticipation.
But according to science, that’s not true at all: Women are people, with thinking brains and big, soft, wet lungs, and they often choose to have sex for the same reasons men do — physical attraction, emotional connection, boredom, or even three more other things.
I have nothing to add. Alex Schmidt’s summary of my article is perfect.