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My alma mater was in the New York Times. I wish it had been for something other than rape.
5 Reasons Stopping Rape in College is Harder Than You Think

College Administrators Are Great At Keeping Students Quiet 
"They keep tenured faculty in control using similar means: They treat them as personal equals, they encourage them to form committees, study problems, provide the administration with advisory reports," says Robin J. Sowards, an English literature professor who used to teach at Hobart. "And by the time the administration has unambiguously ignored the faculty’s advice, so much time has passed that the faculty has forgotten the problems or is just too tired to fight for the solution. It’s even easier with students because they’re gone in four years, and over the summers." Keep in mind that he’s not just talking about the HWS administration — this is how every college functions. (I reached out to my alma mater’s administration for an interview as well, but never heard back. Probably because instead of being a serious journalist I’m just a comedy writer who doesn’t shave.)

My alma mater was in the New York Times. I wish it had been for something other than rape.


5 Reasons Stopping Rape in College is Harder Than You Think

College Administrators Are Great At Keeping Students Quiet 


"They keep tenured faculty in control using similar means: They treat them as personal equals, they encourage them to form committees, study problems, provide the administration with advisory reports," says Robin J. Sowards, an English literature professor who used to teach at Hobart. "And by the time the administration has unambiguously ignored the faculty’s advice, so much time has passed that the faculty has forgotten the problems or is just too tired to fight for the solution. It’s even easier with students because they’re gone in four years, and over the summers." Keep in mind that he’s not just talking about the HWS administration — this is how every college functions. (I reached out to my alma mater’s administration for an interview as well, but never heard back. Probably because instead of being a serious journalist I’m just a comedy writer who doesn’t shave.)

cracked:

“It might seem crazy that nurses would have a high rate of addiction, considering that we’re more knowledgeable about the horrible effects of drugs than the average person. But that’s the problem: We’re too close to drugs.”
5 Terrifying Things I Learned as a Drug-Addicted Nurse

#5. There’s Nothing to Stop You from Stealing Drugs and Needles
My drug of choice was Dilaudid, an opioid analgesic typically given to patients who are allergic to morphine (it also happens to be 7 to 10 times stronger than morphine). At the hospital, we stored it in 2-milligram vials, but since physicians almost never ordered that strong a dose, it was really easy for me to administer a portion of the vial and pocket the rest. How is that possible, when every day kids are yanked off the street for having a single rock of crack cocaine in their pocket?
Well, when you dispose of leftover narcotics, you’re supposed to find another RN to “witness the waste,” meaning you squirt it into a hazardous material bin while they watch. But if you’ve ever been to a hospital, you probably have some idea of how much people care about watching their co-worker throw something away…

Read More

cracked:

“It might seem crazy that nurses would have a high rate of addiction, considering that we’re more knowledgeable about the horrible effects of drugs than the average person. But that’s the problem: We’re too close to drugs.”

5 Terrifying Things I Learned as a Drug-Addicted Nurse

#5. There’s Nothing to Stop You from Stealing Drugs and Needles

My drug of choice was Dilaudid, an opioid analgesic typically given to patients who are allergic to morphine (it also happens to be 7 to 10 times stronger than morphine). At the hospital, we stored it in 2-milligram vials, but since physicians almost never ordered that strong a dose, it was really easy for me to administer a portion of the vial and pocket the rest. How is that possible, when every day kids are yanked off the street for having a single rock of crack cocaine in their pocket?

Well, when you dispose of leftover narcotics, you’re supposed to find another RN to “witness the waste,” meaning you squirt it into a hazardous material bin while they watch. But if you’ve ever been to a hospital, you probably have some idea of how much people care about watching their co-worker throw something away…

Read More

cracked:

Go serve the forces of good. Just make sure your boss’s boss isn’t hailing the nonprofit equivalent of Hydra.
4 Ways Hipster Activism Hurts the People It’s Trying to Help

#4. Being Exploited by Evil
See, idealistic, activist-y young folk are probably the most likely people to get scammed, because the one constant in this world is that any opportunity to make money will immediately be swarmed by a marauding band of vampiric squid-demons. One of the worst of these hellish cephalopods is Grassroots Campaigns Inc., a company that’s found a niche as the middleman between nonprofits and idealistic college kids. … GCI doesn’t actually pay either group. They pay the kids they hire minimum wage (or sometimes less, allegedly) while expecting them to work criminal fucking hours collecting donations. And then, once those donations are amassed, they rarely manage to find their way to the nonprofit they were collected for because, as a for-profit business, GCI is just better at screwing people over than a nonprofit ever will be.

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cracked:

Go serve the forces of good. Just make sure your boss’s boss isn’t hailing the nonprofit equivalent of Hydra.

4 Ways Hipster Activism Hurts the People It’s Trying to Help

#4. Being Exploited by Evil

See, idealistic, activist-y young folk are probably the most likely people to get scammed, because the one constant in this world is that any opportunity to make money will immediately be swarmed by a marauding band of vampiric squid-demons. One of the worst of these hellish cephalopods is Grassroots Campaigns Inc., a company that’s found a niche as the middleman between nonprofits and idealistic college kids. … GCI doesn’t actually pay either group. They pay the kids they hire minimum wage (or sometimes less, allegedly) while expecting them to work criminal fucking hours collecting donations. And then, once those donations are amassed, they rarely manage to find their way to the nonprofit they were collected for because, as a for-profit business, GCI is just better at screwing people over than a nonprofit ever will be.

Read More

This is on the wall in my home. I made it with Alex Schmidt (who runs the Cracked Tumblr) David Christopher Bell (who runs the Quick Fix section) and Robert Evans (who runs the Personal Experience Article team) after we all saw Transformers: Age of Extinction and…
…I dunno. I guess I just thought you all should see it.

This is on the wall in my home. I made it with Alex Schmidt (who runs the Cracked Tumblr) David Christopher Bell (who runs the Quick Fix section) and Robert Evans (who runs the Personal Experience Article team) after we all saw Transformers: Age of Extinction and…

…I dunno. I guess I just thought you all should see it.

Jul 8
cracked:

Now that’s a show.
5 Dangerously Awesome Ways to Improve the Next 4th of July

#5. Fireworks
Fireworks are only interesting when they go wrong. We’d all rather watch fireworks go horribly, tragically wrong than the alternative (fucking boredom), so why not admit it? I watched that boat fire in person last year, and it was the best part of the holiday for me, because something of value was destroyed and I watched it happen. So why not just model the Fourth of July off The Purge? That may not be the birthday our country needs, but by God, it’s the birthday it deserves.

Read More

cracked:

Now that’s a show.

5 Dangerously Awesome Ways to Improve the Next 4th of July

#5. Fireworks

Fireworks are only interesting when they go wrong. We’d all rather watch fireworks go horribly, tragically wrong than the alternative (fucking boredom), so why not admit it? I watched that boat fire in person last year, and it was the best part of the holiday for me, because something of value was destroyed and I watched it happen. So why not just model the Fourth of July off The Purge? That may not be the birthday our country needs, but by God, it’s the birthday it deserves.

Read More

Jul 2

*progressively develops a huge crush on you while reading your articles*

*Smiles sheepishly and pretends not to notice because I get nervous around people who approve of me*

*prints out your comment and pins it to the wall above my desk*

*stares at it every day instead of getting work done*

*comes in one day and sees it’s gone*

*Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck*

*goddamn who stole that piece of paper I’ll kill you all*

*drinks a whole bunch of redbull*

*tries to recreate the letter from memory but can’t recall the exact wording*

*cries*

*shit this got weird.*

Jul 2

Mind Blowing Movie Fact:

image

During the filming of Transformers: Age of Extinction, production ground to a halt when Irish star Jack Reynor refused to read one of this lines.

"I’m not going to pull a [expletive] copy of [expletive] statutory rape law out of my [expletive] pocket," the rising star reportedly shouted. "Only a [expletive] psychopath would do that. Who wrote this scene? I will stab them in the [expletive] nuts."

Without saying a word, director Michael Bay reached into his pocket and removed his own copy of Romeo and Juliet law, silencing everyone on set and completely changing the way the actors tackled the film’s surrealistic approach to character development.

Jul 1
See that car? They call it “the beast.” I drove one once, for less then twenty minutes. Then I wrote an entire column about it.
6 Mistakes You Will Make When Buying Your Next Car

6. Test Driving an Automobile You Can’t Even Kind of Afford
You climb into that leather seat, trying to hide how self-conscious you feel. You shift into third by accident while you’re still in the owner’s driveway and then mumble some excuse about how you’re just checking to see if the clutch slips. Then you start making faces that you hope look like they’re coming from thoughts like “I wonder if the crank is shafting” and “How’s the tranny?” Finally, you’re on the highway, and you really get that machine moving, and it is the greatest thing you’ve ever experienced. You burn through the cynicism from this article’s intro faster than this 4-liter V8 engine burns through expensive synthetic motor oil.
But you can’t actually remember if those are words, so instead you say, “It sounds like the suspension is squeaking.” Then you glide to a stop at a red light and nod to yourself in satisfaction. “The brakes work,” you think smartly.
"You hear squeaking?" the car-owner man asks, confused. "Do you mean the air suspension? That’s not … that’s a good thing." He doesn’t actually say "you fucking idiot," but the words are crammed into every syllable like empty, rusted Natty Lite cans in the cab of the pick-up truck you bought in high school.
"Oh."
Is he lying to you? You don’t know. Hell, you don’t even know what to Google in order to figure it out. But whatever he’s talking about sounds pretty fucking cool. Air suspension! The Millennium Falcon probably has that.

Read the whole thing here.

See that car? They call it “the beast.” I drove one once, for less then twenty minutes. Then I wrote an entire column about it.

6 Mistakes You Will Make When Buying Your Next Car

6. Test Driving an Automobile You Can’t Even Kind of Afford

You climb into that leather seat, trying to hide how self-conscious you feel. You shift into third by accident while you’re still in the owner’s driveway and then mumble some excuse about how you’re just checking to see if the clutch slips. Then you start making faces that you hope look like they’re coming from thoughts like “I wonder if the crank is shafting” and “How’s the tranny?” Finally, you’re on the highway, and you really get that machine moving, and it is the greatest thing you’ve ever experienced. You burn through the cynicism from this article’s intro faster than this 4-liter V8 engine burns through expensive synthetic motor oil.

But you can’t actually remember if those are words, so instead you say, “It sounds like the suspension is squeaking.” Then you glide to a stop at a red light and nod to yourself in satisfaction. “The brakes work,” you think smartly.

"You hear squeaking?" the car-owner man asks, confused. "Do you mean the air suspension? That’s not … that’s a good thing." He doesn’t actually say "you fucking idiot," but the words are crammed into every syllable like empty, rusted Natty Lite cans in the cab of the pick-up truck you bought in high school.

"Oh."

Is he lying to you? You don’t know. Hell, you don’t even know what to Google in order to figure it out. But whatever he’s talking about sounds pretty fucking cool. Air suspension! The Millennium Falcon probably has that.

Read the whole thing here.

codyjohnston:

This is not true. I made it up. But it sounds like it could be true, right? So anyway, now it’s on the Internet.

Mind Blowing Movie Facts.

codyjohnston:

This is not true. I made it up. But it sounds like it could be true, right? So anyway, now it’s on the Internet.

Mind Blowing Movie Facts.

5 Harsh Truths You Learn as a Doctor in the Third World

4. Supplies are in short supply
This picture is the J.M. de los Rios hospital, a national reference center for children. These noble doctors are doing rounds with flashlights. Do you think hospitals should have backup generators? Ha! The joke’s on you! It’s also on the children, and the punchline is that they don’t receive medical care.
It’s … not exactly a knee slapper.

Read the whole article here.

5 Harsh Truths You Learn as a Doctor in the Third World

4. Supplies are in short supply

This picture is the J.M. de los Rios hospital, a national reference center for children. These noble doctors are doing rounds with flashlights. Do you think hospitals should have backup generators? Ha! The joke’s on you! It’s also on the children, and the punchline is that they don’t receive medical care.

It’s … not exactly a knee slapper.

Read the whole article here.